By Robert Scucci
| Revealed
Each man on Earth has one ridiculous fantasy that he clings to as a result of the potential for it ever occurring provides him one thing to dwell for. Dane Cook dinner insists each man desires to be concerned in an elaborate heist. The Farrelly Brothers’ Corridor Move suggests each man desires to remain faithfully married to his spouse, however would like to sleep with different girls if solely his higher half would enable it.
Each of those eventualities are so far-fetched that they are going to most likely by no means occur. In the event that they do, you’re doubtless ending up in jail or divorce court docket, and for good purpose.
Probably the most egregious male fantasy, nevertheless, includes raining hate on a barista as a result of all you need is an easy cup of black espresso and so they refuse to promote it to you.
On this fantasy, which I name the espresso con, the dialog escalates till individuals both scream or come to blows as a result of they only need espresso with a capital C. The barista is satisfied they need to attempt one thing new and refuses to take no for a solution.
Denis Leary famously ranted about how arduous it’s to get a cup of espresso flavored espresso. Tom Segura had the same bit in his Fully Regular particular, together with an epic showdown on his Netflix collection Unhealthy Ideas. Sam Loudermilk leans into the identical setup together with his cashier, and even Dennis Reynolds from It’s At all times Sunny in Philadelphia has his second attempting to order a tea with none boba in it.
The result’s all the time the identical. A middle-aged dude complaining about how all the things sucks now as a result of he can’t get his bold-roasted cup of bean water.
The Espresso Con
The espresso con is the final word male fantasy, and I’m right here to dismantle it as a result of I’m a black espresso drinker. Scorching, iced, chilly brew, it doesn’t matter. I’ve by no means as soon as run into this drawback.
I order my espresso. It’s poured right into a cup. I pay the cashier. I depart and change into a jittery mess.
I’m a defective natural machine that converts Frappuccinos into debilitating, clear-my-afternoon ranges of digestive misery, so I keep away from the flamboyant drinks in any respect prices although they’re scrumptious. Not solely has a barista by no means refused to promote me black espresso, the simplest beverage to make on all the menu, the concept that they might is preposterous.
Having labored at an especially busy conference middle café, I by no means as soon as stared cockeyed at any person for wanting the only factor on the menu. Right here’s a commerce secret you might not know: baristas don’t work on fee.
It doesn’t matter in the event that they’re pouring black espresso right into a cup or juggling an espresso machine, blender, syrup pumps, and milk frother all of sudden. They make the identical amount of cash both manner.
It’s simple arithmetic, and nowhere of their worker handbook does it say they need to act like this.
Denis Leary’s Straw Man Rant, And What’s Actually At Play Right here
Well-known joke thief Denis Leary epically rants concerning the espresso con in his 1997 stand-up particular, Lock ‘N Load. Within the eight-minute bit that begins with “Is it unimaginable to get a cup of coffee-flavored espresso anymore on this nation?”, he launches into all the things unsuitable with the trendy world.
I don’t suppose espresso is the first focus of his rage.
Espresso is simply the catalyst. When you learn between the traces, there’s something a lot sadder occurring. He’s upset concerning the new guard pushing his technology towards irrelevance, one mochaccino, chocaccino, frappuccino, cappuccino, rapaccinio, and alpaccino at a time.
Leary’s true colours present throughout a facet rant about his journey to 7-Eleven. He goes to nice lengths describing the clerk as an over-tattooed, under-educated, tongue-pierced, dressed-like-a-gangster Gen X burnout who’s one way or the other holding him from his valuable black espresso when he’s not huffing paint and drooling on himself. He mocks gang indicators, makes a Wu-Tang reference that was already dated in 1997, and demolishes this fictional villain who’s simply attempting to do his job.
The whole bit is a straw man argument. The 7-Eleven worker seems like the most important fool on the planet when the much more doubtless clarification is that Leary crammed his personal cup with the unsuitable taste, which completed with a touch of maple syrup, and was mad at himself as a result of he forgot his grandpa glasses when trying on the self-serve carafes.
Is Denis Leary actually mad about espresso? Or is he mad that the instances are altering and blaming it on the youth he encounters?
Black espresso is a staple beverage at each café, truck cease, and diner in America. The one actual change is that there are extra methods to drink espresso now than ever earlier than. Leary’s bought the identical power because the crotchety college professor explaining to college students that Vinyl LPs are “these large black issues we used to take heed to music on.” It’s the identical perspective that criticizes youngsters for not studying cursive although they’d no say in how the curriculum was structured.
It’s Not The Youngsters’ Fault
In the meantime, on planet Earth within the yr 2026, you possibly can stroll into virtually any café and order black espresso with out pushback. I was a caffeine junkie again in faculty (I nonetheless am, however I was too!). It bought so dangerous that, like an issue drinker, I strategically deliberate my day round getting into completely different espresso outlets at completely different instances so I didn’t appear like any person who wanted an intervention.
I knew when the shifts modified. Like a series smoker lighting the subsequent cigarette with the still-smoldering corpse of the earlier one, I used to be mainlining offensive quantities of espresso into my physique. Even then, probably the most egregious trade I ever skilled was the barista asking one easy query: “Would you want room for milk?”
The extra insidious drawback that the espresso con reveals is that guys aged anyplace from 35 to loss of life are afraid of how the instances are altering. Their sacred preferences are being undermined by the subsequent technologyready to take their place, and that scares the crap out of them. Or, as a 37-year-old, I ought to say, us.
Dennis Reynolds’ tea store meltdown in “Dennis Takes a Psychological Well being Day” sums this up completely. He’s not indignant as a result of he can’t get a easy cup of natural tea. He’s indignant as a result of the place doesn’t take money, requires an app that tracks his consumption habits, and the worker standing in entrance of him can’t course of the transaction with out technological assist as a result of “the system gained’t enable it.”
The concern of growing older out is actual, and everyone copes with it otherwise. Dennis is correct to be distressed, but it surely’s not the tea place’s fault.
Males of a sure age distill that rage into the cup of espresso they need however guarantee you they’ll’t have anymore. In Loudermilkwhen our hero runs into the identical state of affairs, he mocks the barista’s vocal fry. It’s hilarious as a result of no one ought to speak like that until they’ve a medical situation. However it’s additionally telling as a result of he’s not really mad, he’s afraid.
Tom Segura takes it even additional, occurring a homicide spree when an excessive amount of milk is added to his iced espresso regardless of requesting gentle milk, leading to a sequence of cinematic violence worthy of a John Wick film. If something, he’s using the hate practice towards poor customer support, however espresso continues to be the gasoline that retains his anger firing on all cylinders.
A False Equivalency At Play
In all of those espresso con examples, front-line workers are belittled as a result of their buyer refuses to change into a relic of the previous. They simply need good old style espresso, and nothing is sensible to them anymore.
They’re the Boomers who “don’t do e-mail” and get changed by three interns, and the Millennials who suppose AI is coming for his or her jobs, however refuse to study the brand new tech, rendering them out of date. It’s the identical anxiousness irrespective of how previous you’re, and the espresso con is probably the most distilled and fragrant method to specific it.
However I guarantee you, and that is necessary, that the classics by no means die.
Thirty, forty, and even 100 years from now, when society collapses for causes of our personal doing, you’ll nonetheless most likely have the ability to get a cup of black espresso.
I promise you it’s going to be okay.