Gaslighting. Triggered. Boundaries.
You’ve probably heard this trifecta on an episode of Love Is Blind or scrolled past at least one of the words on social media lately. You might even use them yourself.
These days, “therapy speak,” or using clinical words and phrases in casual conversations, has become a mainstay in our culture. And while talking about relationship problems and mental health should always be trending, “therapy speak” can lead to the misuse and misunderstanding of certain terms, and minimize what the words actually mean.
In the new book, They’re Not Gaslighting You: Ditch the Therapy Speak and Stop Hunting for Red Flags in Every Relationshipauthor, couples therapist and psychologist Isabelle Morley, PsyD, explores the different ways “therapy speak” does more harm than good when we’re quick to label everyone a “narcissist” or “toxic.”
We talked with Morley about her book, relationship advice and whether a partnership can survive the dreaded ick. (Spoiler: There’s hope!)
Our interview follows, edited for clarity and length.
HealthyWomen: Congratulations on your new book. Tell us why women need this read right now.
Isabelle Morley: The misuse of therapy speak is very real, and I think women need to know what the true meanings of these words are — not just to ensure they’re using them correctly, which is important, but also so women can be effective in their relationships. If they’re jumping to a clinical term when it’s not correct or warranted, it pushes people away. It cuts off communication and it won’t solve the real problem at hand, whatever that problem is.
I’m also concerned with us confusing what real abuse looks like versus bad behavior in relationships that we dislike and want people to change. And if we don’t know what that line is, we’re going to miss actual red flags or put up with behavior that we shouldn’t. I feel like I’m always walking this line of not wanting women to throw away generally healthy but imperfect relationships just because “therapy speak” has confused us as to what true healthy love looks like. But also not wanting women staying in unhealthy or abusive relationships just because these terms have been so confused and we don’t know what their real definitions are anymore.
HealthyWomen: Can you give some examples of “therapy speak” and explain how it can be harmful to a relationship?
Isabelle Morley: Let me start with the most popular one right now, besides gaslighting, which is narcissist. I see people use this term all the time, accusing their spouses, their friends, their parents, their bosses of being a narcissist. And when they do that, they’re basically saying, You have a pathological problem that needs addressing, and I am just the victim of your issues.
But if that person isn’t a narcissist, they’re just going to get upset with you and disengage and not actually want to hear about what made you upset in the first place. They’re not going to be empathic — they’re not going to want to change their behavior or support you and be emotionally attuned to you. So you end up losing the opportunity to really communicate and connect with that person.
And then people start to argue about the terminology used — I’m not a narcissist, here’s why you’re the narcissist for choosing that word — and I’m concerned that people disempower themselves by using words like that because they’re making the other person the entire problem, the only person who can fix it, and they give up their own control and ability to create positive change.
Another term is boundaries. You can’t just say that if an action crosses your boundaries people have to automatically comply with your request. Boundaries are for safety and autonomy. They are supposed to strengthen and improve relationships and communication. They are not supposed to be walls, and misusing this word can make people feel cut off from you and less interested in working with you around what makes you feel safe and secure and loved. Others can feel controlled by you because you’re saying you have to do this thing or not do this thing because it’s a matter of respecting your boundaries. That feels so final with definitions that people have no chance to openly communicate about how to navigate boundaries.Sometimes boundaries conflict and they have to be shifted.
Read: Don’t Invite Energy Vampires In >>
HealthyWomen: What if you’re the person setting boundaries and you’re being too black and white?
Isabelle Morley: I think everyone should know what their boundaries are and enforce them. But enforcing boundaries doesn’t mean telling somebody else that they have to enforce your boundaries. You take your own actions to enforce your own boundaries for yourself. And you have to recognize that some people are important enough where you should maybe consider softening a boundary or negotiating a boundary, and you have to allow that your boundaries may change over time and be different with various people and allow for much more nuance and curiosity as opposed to here are my 10 boundaries — if anyone crosses them they’re out of my life forever.
HealthyWomen: Thanks to social media, we’ve all heard that love bombing is a red flag that you’re dating a narcissist. But how can you tell when someone is love bombing you versus just making you feel good because you’re falling in love?
Isabelle Morley: I will say a hard part of these terms is that they are often best seen in hindsight. So, there are clues that you can look for, but unfortunately the best way to tell if it’s love bombing versus courtship is when you’re looking back at the behavior and seeing subsequent behaviors that follow an abusive pattern and seeing that it was actually part of the beginning of an abusive relationship.
That being said, love bombing is excessive. It’s pressure-filled, constant and inflexible. It’s over-the-top flattering communication, gift giving, idealization, and you can tell if it’s healthy courtship if the person seems to see and like the real you — the whole picture of who you are — not just this imperfectly positive version of you.
If the affection is growing steadily over time versus hitting you like a train all at once at the beginning, and if you don’t feel pressured to commit or show more affection than you’re comfortable with — I always say a really good indicator is if you ask the other person to slow down or stop on certain things, they will respect it if it’s healthy courtship.
If they get incredibly angry, if they guilt you, if they manipulate you into letting them continue to show that level of affection, that’s probably concerning. And I will say, too, love bombing happens after fights in abusive relationships. Love bombing, like all abuse tactics, is about gaining power and control. It’s about isolating the other person to make your relationship with them the only one that has importance in their life so they’re easier to control. And so, after a fight, you want to bring the person back into the fold and make sure that they’re not going to leave you.
Love bombing is used to cut you off from the rest of your life, and like I say in the book, bomb your whole life and take up residence like your whole life is them now. And that’s very different from the sort of over-the-top obsessive courtship that we show people when we are super into them and want to establish a close connection.
HealthyWomen: What should you do if you’re in a relationship and you suddenly get the ick?
Isabelle Morley: Oh, the ick. The way I like to describe the ick is that it’s basically when people go against etiquette or are embarrassing to us.
What I like to recommend is to consider if this is a behavioral issue or a character issue. Is it just an action that seems unhygienic or is it embarrassing but can be changed if you give gentle feedback, such as burping in public? Or is it a more persistent or personality-centric trait like just the way someone moves their mouth when they speak that they can’t shake — this is how they are.
If it’s not a total deal-breaker, I think give them a chance to see if they can change. Offer very gentle feedback and remember that people can be gross sometimes and no partner is perfect. You have to decide the things that you can live with and the things that you can’t.
HealthyWomen: Your Rom-Com Rescue podcast features love and life lessons from romantic comedies. What movie would you like to cover that you haven’t featured yet and why?
Isabelle Morley: I would love to do Dirty Dancing because it was just so formative for me. I watched it so many times when I was just becoming of age to be interested in love, and I feel like if I watch it with a more critical eye, I will gain so much insight into the love lessons that I have unknowingly internalized. I can even hear “The Time of My Life” playing in my head right now and, “Nobody puts baby in the corner.”
HealthyWomen: You’re a founding board member of The Unscripted Cast Advocacy Network (UCAN) Foundation, a nonprofit organization that supports reality TV cast members in accessing mental health and legal support and advocates for industry change. Why was it important to you to help start this foundation?
Isabelle Morley: I’m a big advocate for both mental health and for romantic relationships and when I realized how many of these shows are promising a certain experience or outcome, and then actively doing things to prevent people from obtaining that outcome or damaging their mental health, it was just too upsetting to sit with and do nothing. I’ve attributed that to my background as a peace and justice major at Tufts University many years ago.
So, I’ve always had a background in wanting to right wrongs in the world. And then I just happened to find myself in a position where I could be a more vocal advocate for changing this industry, which makes millions and millions of dollars and can certainly afford to produce ethical TV that doesn’t knowingly damage or exploit cast members.
It’s all stemmed from my blog on Psychology Today where I write about on-screen relationships and I usually write about shows and movies. A friend of mine basically said you have to write about reality TV because that’s where everyone is getting their relationship messages. It’s no longer scripted television — it’s reality TV. And then when you watch reality TV, you see this bad behavior. You see all of these things happening and it makes you outraged. It made me outraged to see how contestants treat each other, the things that happen, and then when I realized why they were happening and that it was alcohol-fueled people being put in terrible situations — being stuck in contracts they couldn’t get out of — that was outrage for a whole new reason. So, it’s been kind of an interesting journey to get there.
HealthyWomen: What reality show could dial back on “therapy speak?”
Isabelle Morley: Honestly, all of them. I’m hearing more and more “gaslighting,” “boundaries” and “red flags” across all of the shows, especially the dating and marriage shows like Love Is Blind, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette and Married at First Sightwhich I think is probably a good barometer for how pervasive the issue of “therapy speak” has become.
But I truly think every single show has adopted “therapy speak” in a problematic way.
Part of me is always thinking, Is this a losing battle? I hope not.
Related Articles Around the Web