It didn’t was this manner, however due to the magic of streaming now you can pause something at any time and choose up on enjoyable little particulars. I don’t suggest you watch Prime Video’s “Relationship Objectives” — in any respect — however when you do, I like to recommend you pause it in the direction of the top. There’s a scene the place Kelly Rowland, taking part in a TV government with an extended record of calls for for her romantic companions, seems to be at a multi-page printout of her inexperienced flags. It’s filled with unreasonable necessities, like having a 401K (on this financial system), but additionally very cheap calls for, like well-groomed nostril hair. Not “no” nostril hair. Apparently she likes nostril hair. She simply wants it well-groomed. Honest sufficient.
In a midway respectable universe, this might have been the one fascinating factor about “Relationship Objectives,” a standard, boring, forgettable romantic comedy if ever I’ve seen one. However we don’t stay in a midway respectable universe. We stay in a single the place this typical, boring, forgettable romantic comedy isn’t even a romantic comedy. It’s a shameless promotion for a e book about relationship recommendation, launched on a streaming service that additionally occurs to promote the e book. It even options strains like, “This story hit so onerous I Amazoned a duplicate of ‘Relationship Objectives’ immediately.”
When you haven’t heard of it, “Relationship Objectives” is a e book by Pastor Michael Todd which, if this film is any indication, is stuffed with mind-blowing romantic self-help ideas like, when you’re not courting individuals you want, strive courting completely different individuals, or perhaps simply strive being single for some time. And hey, that’s not unhealthy recommendation, it’s simply actually apparent recommendation. Then once more it additionally compares individuals who date loads, with out a particular relationship purpose, to hen nuggets, as a result of no person desires to eat hen nuggets if everybody’s touched them first. I’d wish to suppose the e book is extra considerate and fewer condescending than that, however I remind you that this can be a feature-length business for that e book, and that is how they’re promoting it. So perhaps not?
“Relationship Objectives” stars Kelly Rowland as Leah, a TV producer on successful morning information present. She expects an enormous promotion after her boss retires however, surprise-surprise, the community desires her to compete with a brand new rent, Jarrett (Cliff “Methodology Man” Smith), who simply occurs to be the ex-boyfriend who cheated on her years in the past. They’re assigned to work on a Valentine’s Day phase collectively — sure, collectively, as if that would presumably show one is extra certified than the opposite — and it’s concerning the e book “Relationship Objectives,” which Jarrett says modified his life. Not like Jarrett, Leah doesn’t need to make a puff piece business, which is the funniest factor about this “comedy” as a result of that’s clearly all that is. All of it.
“Relationship Objectives” runs by all of the romantic comedy rhythms with out ever deciding on a beat. Rowland and Smith are likable performers however their banter is strained, and the movie can’t decide on a construction that forces them to work together. Early within the film they get trapped in Oklahoma, in order that they must drive six hours to a different airport to get again to the studio. You’d suppose that might be an honest framework for a rom-com. It’s acquainted, however tried-and-true. As an alternative, we simply get one transient interplay in a automobile, one pressured gag about diner meals after which they’re again house. The movie arrange a bit after which deserted something resembling a bit. Once more, that is presupposed to be a romantic comedy. We’re actually right here for the bits. Extra bits, please. Why did you abandon the bits?
There’s a supporting forged in “Relationship Objectives,” together with a greatest pal who’s single and determined (Annie Gonzalez) and one other greatest pal who’s in a long-term relationship with no marriage prospects (Robin Thede). They exist to have issues which can be simply solved by the e book “Relationship Objectives,” as a result of the protagonists can’t get collectively till the top, and by itself that wouldn’t make it appear to be “Relationship Objectives” has quick-fix options to all of your romantic wants. And this film actually desires you to suppose it’s the proper quick-fix.
However these characters additionally exist as a result of “Relationship Objectives” is following the template set forth by “Assume Like a Man,” one other rom-com primarily based on and explicitly a few real-life romantic recommendation e book. “Assume Like a Man” was additionally a shameless business nevertheless it did, no less than, attempt to be an excellent business. “Assume Like a Man” had a wide range of romantic subplots that it bought with a fantastic forged, stable dialogue and a few cinematic oomph. “Relationship Objectives” isn’t attempting to persuade us it’s an actual movie, it’s solely doing the e book business half. Which implies it’s not even a very good e book business.
When you look again at Leah’s record of romantic necessities you’ll discover that one in every of them is “Enjoys movie.” She tears these pages up, by the way in which, presumably as a result of by that time Leah — and the film itself — has lengthy since given up on the idea of cinema. “Relationship Objectives” isn’t as insulting as Prime Video’s “Battle of the Worlds,” through which the planet was actually saved by two Amazon purchases and the marvel of flying Amazon drones, however then only a few movies are, in order that’s not a helpful comparability. It’s sufficient that this movie is insulting, unconvincing, unfunny, unromantic, and, worst of all, no less than to the Amazon executives, it doesn’t even make you need to purchase the rattling e book.
